Friday, July 01, 2005

UPDATE: Famed Illinois fisherman develops feelings of sexual inadequacy...















Alton, Illinois resident Tim Pruitt has been riding high since May of 2005, when he caught a record-sized 124 pound catfish in the Mississippi River near his home town.

However, a recent new story from Thailand reporting of native fishermen having caught a 646 pound catfish has sent Mr. Pruitt into an abrupt emotional tailspin. "I went from 'hero' to 'zero' in like two seconds flat," Mr. Pruitt commented. "I've been the cock of the walk 'round these parts, but now I can't show my face on the street without some joker kidding me about the 'guppy' I caught."

Seeking professional help, Mr. Pruitt has been medically certified as suffering from severe depression, and the combination of his depressed state of mind and the psychotropic drugs he has been thus prescribed have left him unable to enjoy conjugal relations with his wife. "I've been consulting with my friend Bernie," Mr. Pruitt confirmed. "He's a personal injury lawyer, and he says that as soon as we figure out who to sue, I'm going to end up with an assload of money."

"More money than those damn Taiwanese [sic] guys, anyway."

Paging the Foywonder...

Per Cinescape.com:

"Jason Statham and Leelee Sobieski have signed to star in DUNGEON SIEGE for director Uwe Boll.

The $60 million film will begin filming Sunday in Vancouver, British Columbia. It is an adaptation of the sword-and-sorcery video game Dungeon Siege.

Statham will play Farmer the film's hero. Sobieski will play Muriella, the daughter of the court sorcerer Merrick, who will be played by John Rhys Davies.

Ron Perlman, Matthew Lillard, Burt Reynolds and Kristanna Loken will also star in the film."

Thursday, June 30, 2005

It Came From Beneath the Silt!














General Bluster: "Look, Professor, we're soldiers, not scientists! Try to explain why you called us here in words we can understand!"
Prof. Reason: "Very well, General. After a careful examination of this monstrous specimen, by all indications closely related to the common Ictalurns Punctacus, I was startled to find vestigual gill striations generally associated with a catfish freshly emergent from the eggsack."
General Bluster, shocked: "You mean..."
Prof. Reason: "Yes, General. There can be no doubt...this 650 pound catfish WAS BUT A SPAWNLING!! Now, let me show you this movie I've put together, which will explain why naturalists commonly refer to the catfish as 'the killer shrew of the deep'..."

Monday, June 27, 2005

Okay...

The commercial for Peter Jackson's King Kong looked pretty cool.

Out on DVD June 28...

Troma has a variety of 2-packs coming out, including ‘horror’ movies, nudie films, etc. I’m too lame to figure out what’s on all of them, but they include films like Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town and the ‘80s slasher ‘classic’ Graduation Day.

Horror 10 Pack includes a number of previously released public domain staples, including ATOM AGE VAMPIRE, GOOD AGAINST EVIL, THE ATOMIC BRAIN, BLOODLUST, THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE, THE BRAIN MACHINE, THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, THE SCREAMING SKULL, NIGHTMARE CASTLE, and WHITE ZOMBIE. I’m sure the quality is quite bad, but hey, 10 movies for as low as $7. June 28.

Monsters 20 Pack is about the same, only 20 movies for as low as $10. Includes The Ape, Swamp Woman, Revolt of the Zombies, The Gorilla, The Bat, Attack of the Giant Leeches. No other titles are currently available. Uhm, Swamp Women is *not* a monster movie

Birds of Prey is a 1973 TV movie starring David Janssen as a helicopter pilot who chases and is chased by bank robbers. The film is well-remembered, and stars cult actor Ralph Meeker. June 28th.

Cyclone is a 1978 disaster movie with killer shark action after the titular storm casts survivors adrift on the ocean. Directed by well-known schlock maven Rene Cardona Jr., one of Mexico’s best.

7 Seconds is an action film I only mention because it stars Wesley Snipes and I’ve never heard of it. How’s that career going?

The 70s Dimension is a apparently a campy collection of ‘70s commercials and suchlike.

The Best of Betty Boop: I assume the quality ain’t great, but 4 discs of Betty for well under $20?! A must.

Bizarre is purported an extremely weird British horror/sex film from the 1970

G.I. Executioner (1971): “A Vietnam vet turned nightclub owner is hired to perform certain deeds by mercenaries, and goes on a gory spy adventure. Bizarre action from the director of BLOODSUCKING FREAKS. Filmed in Singapore.”

Homicide Life on the Streets, Season 7. This means that what might well be the best TV show ever is now completely available on disc, including the reunion movie.

Race with the Devil is a way cool ‘70s horror/chase flick with Peter Fonda. Anchor Bay has put out a disc with a slew of extras, including a commentary, available for under $10.

The Three Stooges meet Hercules. Nostalgia fare for us old farts.

Twilight Zone Season 3: Definitive Collection. ‘Nuff said.

More freshly announced DVDs (see below)...

Good Stuff…

The Alfred Hitchcock Masterpiece Collection collects a fantabulous 14 previously released movies (Saboteur / Shadow of a Doubt / Rope / Rear Window / The Trouble with Harry / The Man Who Knew Too Much / Vertigo / Psycho / The Birds / Marnie / Torn Curtain / Topaz / Frenzy / Family Plot.) in one package, available on the web for under $90. (The set supposedly has 15 discs, so one must have additional extras. You can’t beat that. Of course, only a handful of the films are ‘masterpieces,’ but still. A larger problem is that if you dig Hitchcock or just movies in general, chances are that you own a bunch of these already. For instance, I own Shadow of a Doubt (highly recommended), Rear Window, Vertigo, Psycho and The Birds. The set is due out on October 4th.


Cult Stuff:

Demon Seed is the well-known ‘woman raped by a computer’ movie once parodies on a Simpsons Halloween episode. October 4th.

Dracula AD 1972 is a horrible Hammer effort that helped kill the studio. Christopher Lee’s Dracula, an over-the-hill Peter Cushing as vampire hunter Van Helsing and a bunch of frickin’ hippies make for an unsavory cinematic stew. Good for some laughs, though. October 4th.

Over the Edge is a ‘80s teen angst/revolution classic with Matt Dillon and Vincent Spano. September 20th.

Private Parts is a 1973 black comic slasher piece directed by cult director Paul Bartel. October 4th.

A Stranger is Watching is the somewhat more sophisticated psycho killer follow-up director Sean Cunningham made after Friday the 13th. Stars Kate Mulgrew and Rip Torn. October 4th.



Schlock…

Alien 3000 is apparently a sequel to a movie with an Alien-esque monster called Unseen Evil. I dig this no doubt appropriately dumb synopsis at Digitaleyes.com: “The sequel to 1999's Unseen Evil unfolds after the bodies of a group of college students on a camping trip are found by forest rangers, murdered, and brutally mangled. The military calls in its secret weapon, a rogue unit of specially-trained men, to hunt down the killer, be it human or otherwise. But brute force fails to get the job done, so the heroes enlist the aid of the sole survivor of the massacre; unfortunately she has been committed to a mental institution due to the horrors she has witnessed. Featured are Lorenzo Lamas (THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL) and Pricilla [sic] Barnes (THREE'S COMPANY).” July 5th.

Creepies is, gasp, a DTV killer spider movie. August 16th.