Thursday, August 04, 2005

Odyssey Couple

This has been on the main site for years, but nobody ever reads it. Maybe posting it here will get another three people to look at it!



Narrator: "…Can a prissy Captain and a crew full of swine make it back to ancient Greece without driving each other crazy?"

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Captain Felix: "Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Why must you always act like such a pig?"

First Mate Oscar: "Who’s actin’? I am a pig!"

PAUSE FOR DUBBED IN LARGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

Felix: "You’re right, Oscar. It’s when you were a man that you acted like a pig."

Oscar, not getting the implied insult: "Well, thanks, Felix. It’s big of you to admit you were wrong."

DUB IN MEDIUM AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

Felix: "You’re welcome, Oscar. Oh, could I ask one question?"

Oscar: "Sure, go ahead."

Felix: "Now that you’re a pig, could you please act like a man?"

DUB IN HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

Later:

Felix: "Oh, even if we made it back to Athens, what would I say? Our holds are empty of goods!"

Oscar, feeling that he’s missed the point: "Not to mention that your whole crew, including myself, have been turned into pigs by Circe!"

Felix: "Yes. It’s not exactly what I meant when I told everyone that I was going to ‘bring home the bacon!’"

DUB IN HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Later:

Oscar: "Felix! You’ve got to help me. You see, I’ve been writing this girl in Crete. And when she finds out that I’m not a…"

Felix, interrupting: "Oscar! You didn’t tell her you were a man?"

Oscar, aggrieved: "Hey, what do you take me for? I’d never do that!"

Felix, apologetic: "I’m sorry, Oscar. I apologize. But if you didn’t tell her you were a man, then what did you tell her?"

Oscar: "I told her I was the Captain!"

DUB IN LARGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Felix, shocked: "Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Why do you keep doing these things? And even if I wanted to help you, what could I possibly do?"

Oscar, slyly: "Well, if when we got into port next week, you pretended to be First Mate, then I could pretend…"

Felix, outraged: "Never! How could you even suggest such a thing. No! Absolutely not! Not in a million years!!"

IMMEDIATELY CUT TO NEXT SCENE. LOC: ON THE BRIDGE. FELIX IS WEARING OSCAR’S STRIPED SHIRT, AND OSCAR IS WEARING THE CAPTAIN’S HAT. DUB IN HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

Felix, rolling his eyes: "I can’t believe you talked me into this!"

Oscar: " ‘You can’t believe I talked you into it, Captain’! "

Felix, narrowing his eyes: "Don’t push it, Snouty!"

LATER. LOC: ‘CAPTAIN’ OSCAR AND ‘FIRST MATE’ FELIX ARE DINING WITH DIANA’S FAMILY AT HER HOUSE. OSCAR IS HOLDING FORTH OVER DINNER:

Oscar: "So, anyway, I tell the Cyclops, 'You must get into the theater for half price, because you only have one eye.' But he says, 'No, they make me pay double, because I have to see the show twice!'"

Snobicus, Diana’s patrician father, rising from the table: "I’m sorry, but I just can’t hold my tongue any longer! I must ask you to leave my house!"

Oscar: "What do you mean!"

Father: "Well, I didn’t want to come right out and say it, but very well. No daughter of mine is dating a, a…boar!"

Oscar, whispering to Felix: "What’s he mean by that? Everyone always love that story!"

4 Comments:

At 2:29 PM, Blogger BeckoningChasm said...

Hey, I read it, years ago, when it was first posted!

It was funny then, too.

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger Ken Begg said...

So you're the one!

 
At 8:48 PM, Anonymous Chris M said...

I read it on the old site as well! A welcome rerun indeed.

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger nshumate said...

Whereas I had never seen it before. But I'm glad I have now! (Especially love the judicious application of the 'Gilligan cut.')

 

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