This has been on the main site for years, but nobody ever reads it. Maybe posting it here will get another three people to look at it!
Narrator: "…Can a prissy Captain and a crew full of swine make it back to ancient Greece without driving each other crazy?"
Captain Felix: "Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Why must you always act like such a pig?"
First Mate Oscar: "Who’s actin’? I am a pig!"
PAUSE FOR DUBBED IN LARGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
Felix: "You’re right, Oscar. It’s when you were a man that you acted like a pig."
Oscar, not getting the implied insult: "Well, thanks, Felix. It’s big of you to admit you were wrong."
DUB IN MEDIUM AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
Felix: "You’re welcome, Oscar. Oh, could I ask one question?"
Oscar: "Sure, go ahead."
Felix: "Now that you’re a pig, could you please act like a man?"
DUB IN HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Felix: "Oh, even if we made it back to Athens, what would I say? Our holds are empty of goods!"
Oscar, feeling that he’s missed the point: "Not to mention that your whole crew, including myself, have been turned into pigs by Circe!"
Felix: "Yes. It’s not exactly what I meant when I told everyone that I was going to ‘bring home the bacon!’"
DUB IN HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
Oscar: "Felix! You’ve got to help me. You see, I’ve been writing this girl in Crete. And when she finds out that I’m not a…"
Felix, interrupting: "Oscar! You didn’t tell her you were a man?"
Oscar, aggrieved: "Hey, what do you take me for? I’d never do that!"
Felix, apologetic: "I’m sorry, Oscar. I apologize. But if you didn’t tell her you were a man, then what did you tell her?"
Oscar: "I told her I was the Captain!"
DUB IN LARGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
Felix, shocked: "Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Why do you keep doing these things? And even if I wanted to help you, what could I possibly do?"
Oscar, slyly: "Well, if when we got into port next week, you pretended to be First Mate, then I could pretend…"
Felix, outraged: "Never! How could you even suggest such a thing. No! Absolutely not! Not in a million years!!"
IMMEDIATELY CUT TO NEXT SCENE. LOC: ON THE BRIDGE. FELIX IS WEARING OSCAR’S STRIPED SHIRT, AND OSCAR IS WEARING THE CAPTAIN’S HAT. DUB IN HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
Felix, rolling his eyes: "I can’t believe you talked me into this!"
Oscar: " ‘You can’t believe I talked you into it, Captain’! "
Felix, narrowing his eyes: "Don’t push it, Snouty!"
LATER. LOC: ‘CAPTAIN’ OSCAR AND ‘FIRST MATE’ FELIX ARE DINING WITH DIANA’S FAMILY AT HER HOUSE. OSCAR IS HOLDING FORTH OVER DINNER:
Oscar: "So, anyway, I tell the Cyclops, 'You must get into the theater for half price, because you only have one eye.' But he says, 'No, they make me pay double, because I have to see the show twice!'"
Snobicus, Diana’s patrician father, rising from the table: "I’m sorry, but I just can’t hold my tongue any longer! I must ask you to leave my house!"
Oscar: "What do you mean!"
Father: "Well, I didn’t want to come right out and say it, but very well. No daughter of mine is dating a, a…boar!"
Oscar, whispering to Felix: "What’s he mean by that? Everyone always love that story!"