Thursday, May 05, 2005

Things I believe in the core of my being...

You don't put ketchup on a hot dog. One of the most depressing indications of the decline of Western Civilization isn't just that more people, even here in Chicago, are asking for ketchup on their dogs, but that so many formerly pure hot dog joints are fulfilling this request. A real hot dog place will refuse to pollute a fine all-beef wiener like that, and I honor places like Gene & Jude's that uphold that noble tradition.

Second, I literally can't believe any sane person supports the abomination known as the Designated Hitter rule. The American League can win every single championship from here to eternity, and I will still never think they are playing actual baseball. It's like the difference between football and arena football. A White Sox fan accused me of hiding behind this "old argument" to cover my bitterness that the White Sox are playing great ball and the Cubs just completely and utterly suck.

Well, believe me, it does stick in my craw, and if the Sox do to the World Series this year I will feel a burning shame like nothing I have ever experienced. Such a horrible thing could not happen. Surely the Universe would not allow it. (And on a side issue, I have nothing but contempt for people who aver to be "fans of both teams." Shut up, you unclean loser.)

However, the fact remains that the White Sox play in a false league. As an analogue, us Protestants also still advance "old arguments" about the validity of the Catholic Church, too (and vice versa), but that doesn't invalidate them.

7 Comments:

At 1:55 PM, Blogger Cullen M. M. Waters said...

Good lord, it's like that post was direct right at me! I eat hot dogs with Ketchup and I like both Sox and the Cubs. I had no idea I was tearing down this great society.

From here on out, I'm going to change.

No more baseball for me.

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger Ken Begg said...

So...you'll just be a Cubs fan? (Sad but true.)

 
At 5:44 PM, Anonymous Chris M said...

I cannot agree on the ketchup. Living in a nation that not only can't name the beast (they call it tomato sauce), but CHARGES for it (20 cents for a measly dip), I am four-square in favor of anywhere the ketchup flows like wine, even if it's spelled catsup.

However, your condemnation of the DH is justified and I'm fer it. The DH is second only to the electoral college on the list of Worst Ideas Ever to Ruin American Institutions. I happened to be watching the fifth game of the 1969 World Series last night, and was delighted to see both pitchers (Dave McNally and supremely light-hitting Jerry Koosman ... a later Pale Sock) smack home runs at key moments.

While we're at it, let's decimate the bullpen, abolish the "hold" statistic, and stop pussyfooting around with closers. If Bruce Sutter and Goose Gossage could close out games three and four innings at a time, so can today's pampered firemen.

 
At 5:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, I'm sensing some anger.

 
At 7:43 AM, Blogger BeckoningChasm said...

Baseball--that's the one where everyone runs around, and you get points when you go the right way? And there's a ball-Ha! Of course, baseBALL. Naturally there's a ball. And they have special uniforms. Yeah, I know that one.

 
At 8:10 AM, Anonymous twitterpate said...

So if you know it so well, beckoning, how's about you explain the infield fly rule?

One of my most surreal life experiences was trying to explain baseball to a friend from India who was simultaneously trying to educate me in the rules of cricket.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger BeckoningChasm said...

The "infield fly rule" is when you have all the cards from Ace to Ten. They don't have to be the same suit, but they have to wear the same suit, like a circus tent with arms.

C'mon, give me a hard one.

 

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