Friday, May 27, 2005

Next Fall (and midseason) in primetime:

Jabootu’s Bet

The Bedford Diaries (WB): This apparent update of The Harrid Experiment features the teacher of a college sexuality class (Matthew Modine), “as the students explore their own relationships.”

I Might Actually Watch This:

Prison Break (Fox): “A man robs a bank to purposely get in jail, all part of a scheme to help his brother escape.” This one has a bit of buzz.

The Apprentice (NBC): The new edition, with Martha Stewart instead of Donald Trump. Hey, why not. I expect that rather than The Boardroom, the contestants will meet in The Showers, and Martha will announce who the loser is that week by knifing them in the kidney and noting, “You’re shivved.”


Commander-In-Chief (ABC): Geena Davis is the first woman President of the United States. It’s a drama. (I’ll say!) Co-stars Donald Sutherland.

Pepper Dennis (WB): Rebecca Romijn is a “beautiful film star [well, that’s half-right] becomes a local news reporter and has to unravel her personal life to get respect on the job.” This is no doubt inspired by that busty blonde chick who quit NYPD Blue and became a CNN news reader, or whatever it was.

Most Painful Sounding Premise:

Kitchen Confidential (Fox): Sitcom wherein “An upscale chef falls from grace and is asked to restaff the kitchen at a kitchy opera-themed restaurant.” Egads.

Cops of All Stripes:

The Evidence (ABC): “Pieces of evidence are revealed at the beginning of each episode and then an inspector must put the pieces together to solve the crime.” Another CSI knock-off, although Martin Landau is in it. Meanwhile, Dennis Hopper is starring in E-Ring, a show set in the Pentagon. (Dennis Hopper in the Pentagon?!) I expect this is the result of James Caan’s doing well with Vegas.

The Unit (CBS): Hee, hee…he said ‘unit.’ “Special forces operatives work undercover around the world while their families maintain their secrets.” Produced by David Mamet. Hmm.

The Gate (Fox): “A San Francisco detective investigates the city’s most deviant behaviors, with a fellow cop who might have an ulterior motive.”

It’s Derivative!

Doogie Howser, Attorney: Just Legal (WB): “A legal prodigy is too young to become a lawyer so he ends up working for a burnt-out lawyer (Don Johnson). The two help those unjustly accused.” Amazing how TV lawyers always know who’s ‘unjustly accused.’ Or, for that matter, only work for innocent people. And Don Johnson as an attorney?!

Numbers meets Crossing Jordan, etc. Bones (Fox): A forensic anthropoligist is able to read dead people’s bones to see how they died. He then works with an FBI agent (why is an FBI agent working homicides?) to solve their murders. Stars David Boreanaz.

Extreme Makeover makes a ‘House’ call (ABC): The Miracle Workers: Reality shows in which, “Using high-tech procedures, an elite team of doctors helps patients with serious medical conditions.”

Miss Match meets every other frickin’ show exactly like Miss Match: Love, Inc. (UPN): Shannon Doherty is “A female matchmaker has no problems helping others but can’t seem to find the right partner for herself.” [Ten minutes after I posted this, I read that the notoriously high-maintenance Doherty had been dropped from the show.]

It’s Paranormal!

Supernatural (WB): Route 66 meets the X-files (Route 666?) as two no-doubt hunky brothers travel the byways of America, while searching for their missing father—yeah, that’s fresh—and constantly come across, well, the titular sort of stuff.

Invasion (ABC): Producer Shaun “American Gothic” Cassidy returns with one of this season’s two ‘aliens among us’ shows.

Threshold (CBS): Charles Dutton stars in one of this season’s two sea-based paranormal shows. “A UFO has landed in the Atlantic Ocean and a team of top specialists try to figure out what it all means.” In other words, Sphere: The TV Show.

Fathom (NBC): “A bunch of new sea creatures mysteriously pop up all over the planet and their existence is something of a mystery.” As is the necessity of having to use two forms of the word ‘mystery’ in one sentence.

The Night Stalker (ABC): Fans will be pissed as Darren McGavin’s immortal Carl Kolchak becomes a hot young hunk reporter chasing down X-Files-esque cases with a Scully-like female partner. Then the show will quickly leave the air and we’ll never speak of it again.

Ghost Whisperer (CBS): Wow! A triple crown! This could have also gone under Shows with Lame Pun Titles or It’s Derivitive, as it’s Medium meets The Sixth Sense. Jennifer Love Hewitt (!!!!) is a newlywed who can hear the dead, “and helps comfort the friends and family left behind.”

Shows with Lame Pun Titles:

Misconceptions (WB): “A girl finds out her biological father is not a college-educated Olympic athlete, but a guy who prefers beer to wine and can’t hold a job.”

Inconceivable (NBC): Drama set in, three guesses, an fertility clinic.

In Justice (ABC): “A legendary attorney (Denny Crane?) helps those in jail who have been wrongly convicted to get out.” Hey, maybe he can team up with Don Johnson from that Doogie Howser lawyer show.

Other Stars You’ll See (if briefly, in many cases) on TV this year:

Benjamin Bratt, Orlando Jones, Seth Green, Freddie Prince Jr., Gail O’Grady, Sara Gilbert, Melanie Griffith, Chi McBride, Chris O’Donnell, Robert Patrick, Neil Patrick Harris, Alyson Hannigan, Philip Baker Hall, Jane Leeves, French Stewart, Denise Richards, Jenna Elfman, Dabney Coleman, Stockard Channing, Henry Winkler, Mandy Patinkin, Kyle MacLachlan, Alfre Woodard, Fred Savage, William Devane, Sharon Gless, Martin Mull, Heather Graham.


At 11:50 AM, Anonymous twitterpate said...

... puts head down on desk and sobs uncontrollably. Then smashes tv set.

At 5:00 PM, Anonymous tam1MI said...

Threshold (CBS): Charles Dutton stars in one of this season’s two sea-based paranormal shows. “A UFO has landed in the Atlantic Ocean and a team of top specialists try to figure out what it all means.” In other words, Sphere: The TV Show.

Does that mean if it really sucks we can all join hands and wish things so we completely forget it? ;)

At 9:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't owned a TV that received broadcast or cable since 1991. Bwa ha ha.

-- John Nowak

At 9:11 AM, Anonymous twitterpate said...

You know, you'd think that tv execs would notice a couple of things from this year's schedule:

(1) The most talked about hits were a revived format that had been dormat for a while (Desperate Housewives, a prime time soap) and Lost, which was quite original in its concept.

(2) Of the flood of reality shows still being churned out, those that came out first, like American Idol and Survivor, were still on top - the knockoffs were being, well, knocked off.

This would lead me to suggest that, rather than copying hits of the previous few seasons, they should be trying to fill currently empty niches. However, I'm not a million-dollar-a-year tv exec, so I MUST be wrong in this analysis.

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At 4:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you're right on track and not many people are willing to admit that they share your views. colony lost is an AWESOME place to discuss LOST.


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